Worrywart
From a young age I spent a significant amount of time at the doctors and in the hospital. Test after test, surgeries, radiotherapy, check-ups, that is all I knew for a long time and it just became my life. There is no doubt that in that time I had to be strong, not just for myself but also for those around me. When I look back at it now it sort of feels like an achievement, that I managed to survive it all and have come out to tell the tale. I often find myself wondering though, would I be able to show the same strength now were I to have to face similar challenges?
The reason I am pondering all this is because I am undergoing investigations for an auto-immune condition, which I am not afraid to admit has me worrying pretty much every day at the moment. The thing is it’s been a long time since I have been in that whirlwind of tests, diagnosis and treatment and I fear that I won’t be tough enough to cope with it all.
Right now I am feeling a little beaten, my symptoms have been quite relentless and I have been hoping for a little ease. It becomes very overwhelming when you feel that your health is taking over your life. You so desperately need to talk about your struggles but you are worried that you’re a burden on your loved ones. You feel like a broken record, that you are just keeping on and that you must be so boring to listen to. The thing is, my thoughts are consumed by not much else other than my illness right now. I don’t want it to seem like I want another diagnosis because of course I really don’t but I’d rather there be something so that I can take a course of action.
I often have moments where it all just gets a little too much. Too many thoughts invading my mind at once, making it very hard to see clearly. I can’t relax, I feel distracted and go into a world of my own, making it impossible to be present in the moment. I am plagued with worry and there is just no escaping the prison that is my mind. Do you ever wish you could vacate your thoughts? Pack a suitcase and say ‘Toodles, I’m taking a break because you are invading my personal space and I need to find some peace.’ I honestly fantasise about being able to switch off my worrying mind and just feel at ease, relaxed and calm. I don’t drink or smoke, so both of these are off the cards for coping mechanisms. Probably a good thing, although at the moment I’ll do anything to just get a little reprieve.
So, what am I going to do about it you might ask? Well, after exhausting many options, I have decided to give CBD oil a whirl. I gathered that I can’t feel much worse, so I might as well give it a go and see if it can help both my anxiety and physical symptoms. I do have my reservations which I think is only normal when trying something new. Also, I know it can interact with my medication, so I have to try and strike the right balance but I’m not going to let that stop me. Usually, I would get anxious and talk myself out of it but I figured with my symptoms beings as bad as they are, it really can’t hurt. Hopefully.
As I am writing this post the voices in my head are saying ‘Oh stop being so negative, pull yourself together girl!’ But the God’s honest truth is, it’s not that easy. We all have a tipping point and although I know that I will continue to try and help myself (hope is something I try to hold onto), right now I’m going to curl up into a ball, admit defeat and eagerly await the delivery of the CBD oil.
🧠
I’d love to hear from you, so feel free to pop me a message below and we can have a chat…