The Shit Show
This is exactly how I would describe the past few weeks of my life. Please do excuse my swearing but I always promised that I would be 100% honest in my blog, so here it goes.
I officially reached what I would describe as rock bottom on Friday 26th November. I had what I think was a reaction to some new meds that I started taking 3 days prior and it was without a doubt the scariest experience of my life. Prior to the event I had sunk into deep depression and despite trying to help myself in so many ways, I decided to turn to antidepressants. This wasn’t a decision I took lightly, and it took me many months to even consider the possibility. Not because I don’t ‘believe’ in antidepressants but simply because I was worried about any potential side effects they might cause. Also, with having a chronic illness and already being on a lot of meds, it’s a big decision to add something else into the mix.
*Warning: I’m about to talk about a depressive episode that might be a trigger to some
On Friday the 26th I woke up from an afternoon nap on the sofa and proceeded to go to the toilet. I felt very off balance and weak as I was walking into the other room. As I sat on the toilet I had a staring episode and started to have really intrusive thoughts. I kept thinking to myself ‘I just want to be put to sleep’. Suddenly my body started to burn on the inside, from my head to my toes, it felt like my whole body was on fire. I shouted for my parents who were in the other room and they immediately called an ambulance. Within 10 minutes three paramedics were with me and I’ve never been more grateful for the NHS. One of the paramedics held my hand for over an hour whilst they proceeded to carry out several tests on me. They were also very aware of the fact that I have an adrenal insufficiency and wanted to make sure I didn’t go into adrenal shock. I was very confident that this was not what was happening and that I had some sort of mental episode.
I have never felt more helpless and detached from the world than I did in that moment. I was completely out of control and was scared to be left alone with my thoughts. Once the paramedics had determined that I wasn’t in any physical danger, they continued to sit with me for over an hour until I felt mentally prepared for them to leave. It was advised that I stopped taking the antidepressants which was a huge deal because I felt like it was my only lifeline. However, it was suggested that it might have not been the meds and could have been some sort of anxiety attack. This is something I can’t get my head around as the physical sensation of my entire body burning was so awful and I find it hard to accept that it was all ‘in my head’.
Later that afternoon, once the paramedics had left and submitted their report to my doctors, I rung my GP. She advised that I try an alternative antidepressant but understood if at that moment I didn’t feel confident enough to do so and, in all honesty, I didn’t. The experience was traumatic and I couldn’t even contemplate taking anything else. I must stress however that this was a very unfortunate experience, one that might or might not have been linked to the antidepressants. I still believe that there is probably an alternative out there that would help me and who knows, in time, I might be willing to try again.
I never thought it was possible to feel as low as I have done recently and it’s safe to say I’m a newbie to riding this enormous wave. My mind has scared me and I realise how temperamental it can be. There has been moments when I’ve felt like all hope is lost, that my life as I know it is over and that I will never quite be the same again. However, hitting rock bottom has also had it’s benefits and they say you should try and take something from every experience. As I write this I am grinning to myself because just a week ago I wouldn’t have known how to turn a negative into a positive but here I am, doing just that. This experience helped me to have some realisations about my life and how I wasn’t putting myself first. I’m a huge people pleaser and for a long time I think I kept my head down, not really prioritising my needs or even accepting my health condition and what it means for me.
There are so many wrongs that I need to make right with myself and just sharing my experience with you today is going to help me to heal. I haven’t written my blog for what feels like an eternity and it was simply because I couldn’t find the words. Also, I was worried about writing something that would be a negative trigger to people. However, I have learned that sharing my experience, the good, the bad and the ugly, can actually help others to heal too. So here’s to being open and honest and admitting that life at times can be a real ‘Shit Show!’
🧠